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  • Writer's picturebabycraving

Happy Pride! Musings of a Confused Queer.



It's the beginning of Pride Month 2023, and I'm jumping on the bandwagon even if it feels weird. In the UK, the prides I attend happen in July and August. Pride Month seems to sneak up on me, and I don't get celebrating until way after all the corporate rainbows have been taken down.


Yesterday I wailed to my therapist that I was 'fucked up'. As a joke, but also as a verbal approximation of how the thin sliver of sexuality I've been granted is all over the shop. It leaves me feeling like that lonely whale who can't mate because it sings at a different frequency to all the other whales.


The less deprecating way of putting it would be Queer, which is possibly the only way to concisely sum up the mess of feelings and clashing half attractions that I've encountered, which have never amounted to any kind of intimacy.


I'm on the asexual spectrum, which I will explore in more detail in a future post. Probably demisexual, defined as: 'experiencing sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc'. It's not a perfect fit and I've never had a chance to test the theory, as I've never had compatible attraction with anyone close enough to build those feelings.


Other labels I interchange and happily associate with are gay, lesbian, and pansexual. I'm including pan because I've been attracted to women, a man and non binary individuals before, but it does seem completely contradictory to my asexual identifier.

Asexual: Attracted to no-one.

Pansexual: Attracted to anyone.


Which is why I interchange and simplify most of the time. 'Lesbian', because I am mostly romantically attracted to women. 'Gay', because it's short and punchy - for comedic effect or to get the message across concisely.


But I'm mostly working with and coming to terms with my asexuality, and the fact that all these messy attractions and definitions don't mean much if I'm ultimately going to end up on my own. As I build this account and try to follow other creators of interest, I'm looking to find other people building their lives, families and relationships in atypical ways and with queer identities. People who are also on journeys that they never expected, or that others don't quite understand.


I want to find my people, and I want to know that it's possible.


Instagram: @babycraving


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